A few things I know for sure...
There is a lot of uncertainty in our lives, but there are some things we can count on without question. These are the things that ground us, that give us our bearings. For me, my number one absolute is that God is all powerful, and God created me. Which means to me that no matter how bad I mess up, no matter how dejected I feel, or no matter who I think may be against me or judging me, I am God's child, and I am loved unconditionally. I can forgive myself because God can forgive me. And I can forgive others, because God has shown me my value and the value of each of God's children.
This may seem like no revelation to you, but it was as a big shocker to me. I had spent years suffering with depression and anxiety, living in misery and despair. I was filled with self-loathing and insecurity. I felt like I was drowning, and everything or everyone I tried to grasp onto to save myself ended up being destroyed. I did not deserve to be loved, or to have happiness. I was worthless and was a liar and a fake.
Years ago I developed a ritual of going by myself to mass on Saturday evening. I tried to listen, to find comfort in the familiar ancient rites, but the words just echoed in my empty heart. Nothing was making any sense. So then I stopped listening. I just let go and let my mind drift. It went to ugly places, to places I had not wanted to think about or remember, examining in excruciating detail all the sins I had tried to hide from God and from myself. I was so destroyed, I wondered silently how God could have screwed up so bad as to create me.
That was when God intervened. God took me and shook me and I felt as if a power source was connected to me from an unknown outlet. God's presence was physical, surrounding me in warmth and light. Everything else seemed to be far away. Clearly, succinctly, and adamantly, God delivered the following message to me.
I AM your God. I AM perfect. I do not make mistakes. I created you, and I don't make junk.
I tend to have an innate disbelief of all things miraculous, so I tried to disengage from this line of thinking. But God had a new hold on me, and wouldn't let go. I tried to explain myself, thinking if God knew my heart of hearts, He wouldn't claim me. But God told me, in particularly un-King James-like language, that He already knows my heart through and through, there is not one thing I have ever done or thought or said that God does not already know, and that since He has already forgiven all, so it was time for me to forgive it too.
One might think having a conversation with God would be a life changing experience. But my life didn't change as a result of that initial conversation. Maybe because I continued to deny the nature of our conversation. Weeks and months passed, and I continued in the same destructive state. Like a relentless caller, God kept dropping messages in my heart. I had become an offense to God, not because of my sins and failures, but because I refused to acknowledge God's great mercy and forgiveness. If God has forgiven me, but I continue to cling to the guilt and regret, I was rejecting God's plan for my salvation. If I continued to hold on to the sense of hopelessness in spite of God's message of redemption, I was denying God his rightful place as the one who ordered the stars and planets. I was claiming control over my miserable existence, and placing myself in the position of the supreme being. My refusal to reject my miserable state and claim a new life in Christ was evidence that I was still choosing to live in sin, rather than in grace. And finally, God gave me the challenge:
If you believe in me, you must put your full trust in my love for you.
But I'm afraid.
I know. Trust me.
But this isn't how I thought my life was supposed to be!
It is how I want it to be. Trust me.
But I don't know how to be the person you want me to be.
I can show you the way, but you have to trust me.
But if I change my life, people may reject me.
If you allow me to change your life, you may be rejected by some, but I will show you my people.
But I'm afraid.
I know. Trust me.
A few things I know for sure, that life brings many surprises, disappointments, tragedies and joys. Often we are afraid. But God's love for us will endure through all we encounter, whether we acknowledge it or not, whether we accept it or not. God's love will endure, and it can break through our deepest despair if we allow it. If we hear the message, and let the message of transformational faith into our lives, we can find a new way of live in that faith.
I know. Trust me.
This may seem like no revelation to you, but it was as a big shocker to me. I had spent years suffering with depression and anxiety, living in misery and despair. I was filled with self-loathing and insecurity. I felt like I was drowning, and everything or everyone I tried to grasp onto to save myself ended up being destroyed. I did not deserve to be loved, or to have happiness. I was worthless and was a liar and a fake.
Years ago I developed a ritual of going by myself to mass on Saturday evening. I tried to listen, to find comfort in the familiar ancient rites, but the words just echoed in my empty heart. Nothing was making any sense. So then I stopped listening. I just let go and let my mind drift. It went to ugly places, to places I had not wanted to think about or remember, examining in excruciating detail all the sins I had tried to hide from God and from myself. I was so destroyed, I wondered silently how God could have screwed up so bad as to create me.
That was when God intervened. God took me and shook me and I felt as if a power source was connected to me from an unknown outlet. God's presence was physical, surrounding me in warmth and light. Everything else seemed to be far away. Clearly, succinctly, and adamantly, God delivered the following message to me.
I AM your God. I AM perfect. I do not make mistakes. I created you, and I don't make junk.
I tend to have an innate disbelief of all things miraculous, so I tried to disengage from this line of thinking. But God had a new hold on me, and wouldn't let go. I tried to explain myself, thinking if God knew my heart of hearts, He wouldn't claim me. But God told me, in particularly un-King James-like language, that He already knows my heart through and through, there is not one thing I have ever done or thought or said that God does not already know, and that since He has already forgiven all, so it was time for me to forgive it too.
One might think having a conversation with God would be a life changing experience. But my life didn't change as a result of that initial conversation. Maybe because I continued to deny the nature of our conversation. Weeks and months passed, and I continued in the same destructive state. Like a relentless caller, God kept dropping messages in my heart. I had become an offense to God, not because of my sins and failures, but because I refused to acknowledge God's great mercy and forgiveness. If God has forgiven me, but I continue to cling to the guilt and regret, I was rejecting God's plan for my salvation. If I continued to hold on to the sense of hopelessness in spite of God's message of redemption, I was denying God his rightful place as the one who ordered the stars and planets. I was claiming control over my miserable existence, and placing myself in the position of the supreme being. My refusal to reject my miserable state and claim a new life in Christ was evidence that I was still choosing to live in sin, rather than in grace. And finally, God gave me the challenge:
If you believe in me, you must put your full trust in my love for you.
But I'm afraid.
I know. Trust me.
But this isn't how I thought my life was supposed to be!
It is how I want it to be. Trust me.
But I don't know how to be the person you want me to be.
I can show you the way, but you have to trust me.
But if I change my life, people may reject me.
If you allow me to change your life, you may be rejected by some, but I will show you my people.
But I'm afraid.
I know. Trust me.
A few things I know for sure, that life brings many surprises, disappointments, tragedies and joys. Often we are afraid. But God's love for us will endure through all we encounter, whether we acknowledge it or not, whether we accept it or not. God's love will endure, and it can break through our deepest despair if we allow it. If we hear the message, and let the message of transformational faith into our lives, we can find a new way of live in that faith.
I know. Trust me.
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